Am I worthy? Sifting through the bullshit.

“Let go of all of the ways that you thought life would unfold; the holding of plans or dreams or expectations—let it all go. Save your strength to swim with the tide. The choice to fight what is here before you now will only result in struggle, fear, and desperate attempts to flee from the very energy you long for. Let go. Let it all go and flow with the grace that washes through your day whether you receive it gently or with your quills raised in defense against invaders. Take this on faith: the mind may never find the explanations that it seeks, but you will move forward nonetheless. Let go, and the wave’s crest will carry you to unknown shores, beyond your wildest dreams or destinations. Let it all go and find the place of rest, and peace, and certain transformation.” 

~ Danna Faulds, Let it go 

What is happening to me? I am finding myself again in a slump, feeling the flood of depressed emotions and wondering whether or not it will pass. I doubt all that I am, all that I have created, and all of life’s gifts that I have been given. It isn’t the first visit by this familiar guest. I have had her in my presence many times over that last few years. This time I was blindsided by her intrusion into my life, and she took me down with her to a deep pain that has not been resolved. Yelling painful thought and digging up unresolved emotions, and the expectations that my life did not turn out a certain way. So much has changed.

“To be broken, to have fallen so deeply, that the only thing you can do is rise into a new you.” ~Yung Pueblo, Phoenix 

I stopped, took a deep breath, and said to myself, “This time, she will not control my happiness.” I grabbed Rufus and we went for a walk. I needed to move my body before the stream of mockery from my mind and negative emotions pulled me back to bed. I wasn’t moving my body to run from my current abrasive reality, but instead I needed some space and time to embrace it. Shit happens. It is time to stop wallowing in it like a pig. It is time to be fully present to the unresolved pain and depression that resurfaces when I don’t get my way. Like a child I stomp off saying “it’s not fair.” Well, Kamie, it’s not fair…

I said to myself, “It is time to listen to what you are really saying about yourself and realize that what you say will be your reality.” Negative thoughts lead to negative feelings, and that will lead to the downward spiral to the place where pigs bask. “It is time to give yourself a 20 second hug, release happy hormones, and love yourself.” Easy for me to say, I rolled my eyes. I thought for a minute. What if I wrote it all down and gave myself a therapy session? I treated myself like a client. Brilliant. High-fives all around.

We came in from our walk and I had faith that there was another choice to continue my personal growth and healing process. I began scribbling notes about my thoughts, emotions, body sensations, and anything else that came up. I took notes on me, and then I switched my role once I was finished writing and put my practitioner hat on, evaluating myself. I put my notes on the white board, looked at the information objectively and made a treatment plan for this client. Low and behold… I figured it out!

I sat on the floor and looked at my synopsis, practices, and treatment plan on the white board with my jaw wide open and tears in my eyes. This client is feeling unworthy of love and happiness. I cleared my throat and whispered, “I am feeling unworthy of love and happiness.” Did I truly believe this? I am a good person with a big heart. How could I possibly believe that I could not be worthy of love and happiness?

“Loving yourself isn’t selfish; it is essential to your wellbeing and the wellbeing of the world.” ~Yung Pueblo 

First step: love myself and let go. I need to let go of the need to control the future. I only have control over how much I anticipate and worry about what could happen. It will play out no matter how much I worry about it right now. I need to let go of the past—remind myself of the gifts of healing and progress I have made, rather than martyring myself for pain a suffering. I need to let go of my struggle and enjoy my freedom.

“Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting, it just means we stop carrying the energy of the past into the present.”  ~Yung Pueblo 

Next steps: I will be of a deeper personal practice and consistent self care. Take time to be active, to work, to play and to be still. Embrace life as it comes without wallowing in the past or grasping to control the future. I am moving forward with a purpose and flowing with what comes to me—not week by week, but moment by moment.

“Letting go… what a challenging practice it is, and I do mean very difficult. It is the practice of surrendering to what is. Yesterday, it was easy to let go; today it is not. Surrender… when I feel the stress of wanting something to go a particular way, I take a deep breath. Notice what is happening. Notice my body. Breathe… acceptance of what is, not pushing discomfort away, but accepting what is. Letting go.” ~Kamie Slegers