Some think love can be measured by the amount of butterflies in their tummy. Others think love can be measured in bunches of flowers or by using the words ‘for ever.’ But love can only truly be measured by actions. It can be a small thing, such as peeling an orange for a person you love because you know they don’t like doing it.” — Marian Keyes
It is my purest wish to share the connections between relationships, friendships, soulmates, family, self and a healthy lifestyle in a series of blogs and vlogs.
I will be sharing my rawest personal experiences that have left scars and imprints on my heart. It’s not my intention to tell you what’s right or wrong–that’s not my job–but I can support you with experiences, stories, inspiration, and perspective so you can choose the path that feels right for your journey. You will experience love. You will encounter pain. You will go through many emotions loving someone, whether painful or pleasant. Sometimes there are difficult lessons that are learned the hard way. I hope my insight can guide you to a place of appreciation, healing, and gratitude.
When you are reading this, I pray you will feel how passionate I am for those I still have in my life, of whom I love dearly, and for the relationships that challenged me out of my comfort zone and the ones I had to let go of. I believe there is a lesson in the relationships that survive in difficult times and the ones we walk away from when we can no longer thrive.
So often, we choose to wallow in heartbreak instead of focusing on a new beginning. A fresh start seems so complicated. Not only are we leaving a relationship, but we are leaving behind an identity–a piece of us that was bonded and defined by the connection with that other person. This connection can be thought of in terms of the amount of time spent advancing levels of vulnerability and intimacy.
Not everyone who wanders into our lives intends to hurt us, but when we hold on to our suffering and let it define us, we reject everyone who tries to get close because of the last one who shattered us. If we choose to suppress pain and attempt to silence it, it will only reappear later. This energy is often projected to someone else who does not deserve it. When we keep our demons in the dark, it only makes loving someone new increasingly more difficult. The shadow work is necessary to evolve from the bonds of loss, grief, shame, and heartbreak. Eventually, we form paranoid thoughts that these new people are using us, hurting us, or not committed to us. It can leave us feeling that love is out of reach.
It is important to fully feel emotions as they rise to the surface. Feel them at the moment, whether heartbroken, exhausted, or aggrieved. Take a breath and notice how you feel. When we experience joy, we indulge in the sweetness of life.
We create the illusion of love based on how the world defines it and the opinions of everyone around us. We cling to unrealistic expectations that appear to be solutions based on our desires. We fight for what we believe we are losing because we want to prove the love that flows through us is nothing less than authentic.
Get out of your head.
Let me tell you a secret: love is an emotion. It is something you feel, not something that can be logically processed in our minds. Love isn’t the same for everyone and doesn’t fit a specific mold. There’s a vast difference between love, and a means to make a relationship work. It is one thing to love somebody; it is an entirely different experience to have a deep meaningful relationship.
One more thing, just because you have shadow work doesn’t mean that you can’t proceed in a relationship. This is misleading. Much of shadow work can be done while in a relationship because the person you share time with will often tug at these insecurities and encourage them to be exposed. This is an opportunity to explore other options and grow from the experience. This may come from verbalizing needs, being more vulnerable, and being open to seeing from the other person’s perspective.
Sometimes we are only a moment in time with someone, others share a season with us, yet others are with us throughout our entire lives. I believe fate has already been written, and the more we fight against what is truly meant for us, the more we pull away from what’s essential in relationships with those we are meant to have.