Out of the Ashes I Emerge – Part 1

Out of the Ashes I Emerge – Part 1

“Today, I decided to forgive you. Not because you apologized or because you acknowledged the pain that you caused me, but because my soul deserves peace.” -Nahwa Zebuan

Peace. According to Merriam-Webster: peace is a state of tranquility or quiet, freedom from disturbance. Freedom from disturbances–well that sounds lovely. I had my share of disturbances and am looking for peaceful times. I am a student of life. I choose to experiment with my own life and the struggles and challenges along with the joys and times of bliss. I figure they are all presented to me to show me how I can be fully present so that I don’t miss an opportunity to grow.

“So, do it. Decide. Is this the life you want to live? Is this the person you want to love? Is this the best you can be? Can you be stronger? Kinder? More Compassionate? Decide. Breathe in. Breath out and decide.” -Meredith Gray

After losing just about everything, I had to build up from rock bottom. I am grateful for this opportunity. I can choose to continue to live in the past, wallow in my losses, be a martyr to my past life, or emerge as a phoenix rises from the ashes. I choose the latter. So with this decision comes a new set of challenges that I have never thought about nor made a conscious effort to work on.

“I am working on learning how to be whole and free within myself, to acknowledge my brokenness, manifest my own happiness, and succeed and fail gracefully.” -Beau Taplin Human

Those who know me are aware that I have been continuing my growth through education and research from yoga and ayurveda to communication and relationships. This new phase in my life leads me to mindful awareness and progressive thinking. I refuse to settle with being “good enough.” I cannot stay complacent for long, especially when it means my life stagnating. I have been working on making my life more by letting go of the past, which in-turn has allowed me to explore different ways of thinking and educating my clients.

“Let go… How would your life be different if you learned to let go of things that have already let go of you? From relationships long ago, to old grudges, to regrets, to all the “could’ve” and “should’ve,” to the dead friendships you still hang onto… Free yourself from the burden of a past you cannot change.” –Steven Maraboli

I can improve my abilities to be myself, take joy in my passions, and find a balanced mind and emotions. I am committed to what I believe in. My recent research leads me in the direction of relationship communication I never thought I would be interested in until I met him…

“I wasn’t looking for anything when I found you and it somehow made me question what I wanted, was I ready for love? I don’t think anyone is ever ready, but when someone makes you feel alive again it’s kind of worth the risk.”  -Nikki Rowe

I recently met someone unlike anyone I have ever met in my life. He is supportive and available, strong and sweet, and has a genuine interest in what I do and my lifestyle. Yet, I struggle with the communication of my needs. I enjoy spending time with him and laughing with him. Somehow, though, I have this nagging voice in the back of my head telling me that he will leave me. I often feel myself ruminating on my ex-husband. I let him have too much control over my happiness, and I see how the past controls the present and my happiness. I refuse to let this to happen again.

“If you bring old bricks from your past relationship to your new one, you will end up building the same house that fell apart before.” -Unknown 

One day, I decided to study attachment, relationships, and communication. I started with a few audio books that bashed men and talked about playing hard to get. All it amounted to was pretending to be someone I am not. It was no real solution. This did not feel like the way that I wanted to start a relationship with a man who I wanted to build a strong foundation with and possibly a future. I furthered my search for information on building healthy relationships. Dating isn’t the same in my late thirties as it was in my early twenties. It has been thirteen years since I had to date. I did date a few guys that gave me hints of what I wanted and definitely did not want in a future relationship. Now I have someone who I am very interested in, but I struggle with communicating my needs so that he doesn’t need to guess.

“Letting go of the past and beginning again isn’t forgetting the pain that was caused. It is simply forgiving, moving on, living, and loving again. To hold onto the hurt is to deprive yourself and someone else of a beautiful relationship.” -Unknown

The first step was to forgive my ex. Now I learn to be patient with the process of a new relationship and its ups and downs. I found a relationship coach who has helped me discover my strength to communicate. More specifically, the process empowered me understand how men think and how to communicate to them. I am also listening to a few books that have given me insight to how communication can make or break a relationship. I am looking for a lifelong companion, not just another husband. I want to be a person that my significant other can trust, feel safe with, and can be vulnerable around. I am actively working on my communication and taking a breath before reacting to things that make me emotionally unstable. I have been very reactive in the past. I hope I can be a valuable part of my partner’s life and leave that instability in the past.

“Somebody who betters you. Somebody who inspires and encourages you in love and in life, who pushes you towards dreams and goals you’d otherwise ignore, who selfishly sacrifices their time to helping you become a more courageous, well rounded and happy human being. That’s sacred. You hold on to a love like that.” -Baeu Taplin Growth

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